Aquaman VS the Green Lantern

Aquaman gets a lot of stick for being the worst super hero (of the mainstream ones – I’m not counting Squirrel Girl, or the Phone Ranger). I think being able to talk to fish would be pretty cool, and if you could encourage the likes of sharks and giant squid and killer whales to do your bidding, I think you’d be pretty well quids in. The whole breathing underwater thing would be pretty cool as well. Alright, there are boundaries to your power (anywhere not in water) and your real name is Arthur Curry (silly silly alter-ego name), but hell, if Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade taught us nothing else (but it did, that film is stacked with important life lessons; don’t trust Julian Glover, the pen is mightier than the sword, how many camels compensate for the loss of a car, Jesus would have had the cup of a carpenter (Why do birds suddenly appear?) you can tell fake Chinese vases by the cross section, etc., etc.) it aught us that immortality also has a price and a boundary also. So I think that the fact that he is almost invincible in the medium in which he almost entirely operates is not to be sniffed at. He also gets first dibs on the tastiest crabs. I reckon that the Green Lantern is a much sillier hero.

First of all – A green lantern is the source of his power. This is also his name .Batman isn’t called ‘Piles of Cash and Childhood Trauma’. Hulk isn’t called ‘Gamma Radiation Cancer and an overactive adrenal gland’. Squirrel Girls isn’t …oh wait, yes she is, but she’s sodding Squirrel Girl. Old Green Lantern has to charge up his power ring by pressing it to his green lantern. Read that again,; the Green Lantern has to charge up the source of his power – a green ring, by pressing it to a green lantern. Even in the regularly ridiculous background stories of the world of science fiction/fantasy, this an obscenely contrived explanation of powers. Even in accepting the ring/lantern accessories, he has to re-charge his battery power. Like a wheezing phone. He gets a few hours charge, and then it’s all over; Sinestro or someone like that will quite happily take over the world unopposed because the bloody Green Lantern’s ring needs filling. His baddies must absolutely poop themselves thinking of this; ‘Where y’all off to Hal? Ring’s all battered is it? Gotta re-power your ring? Come back, maybe I can give your ring some power?” (etc, etc).

Second of all is the fact he has to recite verse to conjure up his power. Not even fun poetry like a limerick (the only true test of a poet), or some artsy Haiku (Here Waits Green Lantern/Charging Up The Power Ring/Every Bloody time, Green Lantern Movie/It’s Ryan Fucking Reynolds/So no-one will watch), but a silly wee AAAA poem. Whilst Superman is of beating the crap out of Solomon Grundy, Green Lantern is quoting poetry like a simpering Keats obsessed sixth former trying to get into the knickers of the French exchange student more interested in the mean jock that kicked the winning goal.

Thirdly, yellow. His weakness is the colour yellow. Hulk Hogan could beat this guy in seconds. Rivers in China would destroy him. He has to watch out for highlighter pens, the Yellow Pages, American legal lined paper, New York taxis, JCBs and rubber duckies. He would be beaten easily by Big Bird, Everyone from the Simpsons, any Minion, people with jaundice, Spongebob, or the piss of anyone even slightly dehydrated or having taken a Berroca (other vitamin supplements are available at low, low prices). He could never take a picnic; imagine a summer’s day, daisies pop their yellow heads through the yellowing dried grass. Thickly buttered egg or cheese sandwiches, crisps, corn-on-the-cob and sponge cake are on the blanket. The kids drink lemonade and play with tennis balls with the soft hum of bees and wasps are heard as they buzz by, collecting nectar from the sunflowers and daffodils. And all the while, the mega-powerful super hero Green Lantern wheezes on the floor, unable to do much of anything. Also, the bloody sun is yellow. Yellow light is everywhere. By brightest day, he’d be a quivering wreck; Stilt-man could tread on him without there being a single comedy oversized green fist punch thrown. Green Lantern must be more nocturnal than Batman. ‘Help me, Green Lantern; I’m being burglarised by this active-in-the-afternoon sociopath!’ “Erm, what time is it? Oh, its half two,, could you give me a shout just after dusk, I’ll be right round. Or art least wait until it clouds over a bit. In the meantime, could you give Aquaman a call; he can work whatever the time or weather?”

Fourth? Ryan Fucking Reynolds.

There once was a Lantern That was Green,

Who weakened whenever the sun could be seen,

If his ring wasn’t powered,

He’d quiver like a coward.

Because he’s be softer than warm plasticine.

Mighty Aquaman

Defeats silly Green Lantern

With one banana