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Have we all got the message that there are accidentally revealed Star Wars VII spoilers below and if you continue having not watched the movie, you have only yourself to blame?

 

 

 

Good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘We need a new horrible weapon to intimidate the galaxy’

‘How about a Death Star?’

‘We did that already. Remember the thing with the exhaust port and the exploding? The battle of Yavin?’

‘How about another Death Star? But this one only half built?

‘The battle of Endor? Remember? We lost to the Care Bears. We left a space ship sized hole in the Death Star that led directly to our central blow-up internal power explodey region? Think dammit, think!’

‘How about a really big Death Star? One that’s like a snowy planet, but is fact a really big Death Star?

‘NO DEATH STARS!’

‘We’ll call it a Star Killer?’

‘DONE!’

It’s still a bit Death Star-y isn’t it? I mean it makes a big laser that explodes planets and can be blown up with a few well aimed X-Wing blasts. It’s certainly got a whiff of Death Star. Looked like similar consoles in as well. Couple of Death Star trenches in there as well. Laser cannon turrets, grey silo looking towers, that kind of thing. Really rather Death Star–esque. They probably got the same team in to do it. Maybe they got a concession for repeat business. Those guys must be great customers – they bought three Death Stars (two Death Stars and one STAR KILLER) in just a couple of decades. Acme Death Stars Inc. must love it when the jack booted guys with clipped accented turn up – ‘Another Death Star, is it, sir?’ Bigger, you say? Like a snow plant? Of course sir. Sir would like insurance on that? It has gone up slightly, you are rather accident prone with your Death Stars, aren’t you sir? Maybe this time you should invest in our exhaust port and interior fly path shutters scheme, sir. Think of it as a long term investment in your massive planet exploding space station, ultimate power in the universe, sir. Yes those rebels are very persistent aren’t they sir? No, we would never sell our customer’s plans to other parties, sir; we believe in discretion and confidentiality. And planetary death.’’

I’m no longer as exited by the thought of Princess Leia in a gold bikini any more. Time has not been too kind to Carrie Fisher. Time and drugs and alcoholic dependency have all been pretty unkind to her.

I do however, like the idea of a Storm Trooper with a cattle prod. They’ve run out of blasters on Death Star Killer ice planet, and have had to improvise. Storm Trooper 1176 gets a cattle prod, 1120 gets a catapult, 1219 gets a table leg with a nail hammered through it, 1116 gets a pencil sharpener, 1065 gets a cardboard wrapping paper inner tube and has to make ‘Pew! Pew!’ noises so as not to alert the rebels to the crippling shortages brought on by trying to equip a planet sized gun. I’ll bet that half the inhabitants of the Death Star Killer are eating nothing but snow and tree bark. Who pays for all this, anyway? Has giant bald uber-baddy got n unlimited gold card credit account down the white armour and grey console shop? Once again, its one rule for the megalomaniacal evil giant bald supernaturally powered uggo baddies, and one rule for the rest of us.

Once again, I thought Chewie was harshly treated. In A New Hope he doesn’t get a medal, and here, after the bridge bit (avoiding spoilers), Not Keira Knightly and Finbar Saunders just run off and leave him to his fate. ‘Thanks guys, I’ll just make my own way out of this Storm Trooper infested about-to-be-blown to shit volcano pit of hell. I certainly won’t need any looking after or consoling here, not immediately after my best friend’s just been lightsabered up the ass to death. By his own son (apparently now not avoiding spoilers). You guys just run along, I’ll be fine. I guess I’ll also have to save your whiny ungrateful asses on my own later on as well! Grrr! Grrr! ‘I think the Star Wars guys have an anti-wookie agenda. You ever see a wookie at the front of a space bus? Just saying…

I thought that when Kylo Renn (and Stimpy) took of his helmet (more on that in a bit), he looked like young Snape from Harry Potter. And had really big ears. Looked like his nose needed wiping as well. Probably why he turned to the dark side. ‘Need a hanky Kylo? I SAID ‘NEED A HANKY, KYLO? How can you be deaf with ears like that?’ Space kids can be so mean. Especially when your mum’s a space princess and a space war hero and a space general and your Dad’s a space smuggler and a space war hero and a space general and one day he’ll inherit the Millennium Falcon and, and … hang on, that kid had everything going for him. It’s because his uncle’s a wookie. Isn’t it? This racist bullshit anti-wookie crap runs deep. I expect that Donald Trump is going to build a wall between Earth and Kashyyyyyyyk; keep a database of wookies until the wookie problem goes away. Farage has a problem with wookies with HIV coming over here and abusing the NHS, thinks that the motorways are slow because of immigrant wookies. Bookface is full of Britain First Anti-wookie agenda. Well enough of it. Wookie lives matter.

Kylie’s helmet also looked really heavy. It clangs like a sack of lead cannonballs whenever he drops it (and it’s always dropped, never placed. I imagine he’s probably pretty wealthy (he’s from a Royal Family and is a high ranking military man as well after all), but takes no care of what seems to be a fairly pricey bit of kit). He must have incredible neck muscles; that thing looks like it weighs 50 pounds, and he doesn’t seem to have inherited his grandfather’s shoulders. Or asthma, so it’s all hills and valleys, isn’t it? He also seems to have a problem with walls and consoles.They make him angry and he does lash out at them a lot. He must like windows and remote controls. And the molten remains of his ancestors And long romantic walks on the beach with giant assed bald ugly baddies..

Not Keira Knightly was pretty good at lighsabering at first go wasn’t she?

Giant bald (I might have a issue with the way follicley challenged people are portrayed in cinema; its baddies, professors and Jason Statham) baddie looked like a hoot at parties. Bet he’s all ‘Let’s get on Jive Bunny’ and’ Let’s play musical statues!’ and ’Where’s the cheese balls?’ Until he hits his head on the ceiling and then he probably gets a bit grumpy and dark side of the force and throat squeezy. Actually, having a projection that big probably means he’s over compensating. He’s probably really small. Like womble small. He’s probably in fact sitting on a matchbox. He confuses his enemies with forced perspective video shoots. He always sits closest to the camera. He uses shot glasses and pretends that they are large pitchers, and because he’s so bald and old and evil, they all have to agree with him ‘ Oh yes, your royal bigness; good call, my massive and hefty ruler; those giraffes are stumpy wee bastards compared to your loftiness, my gigantic overlord’. I bet they mock him when they’re out of earshot as well. ‘Wanna play on the Death Star Killer baseball team, oh miniscule leader? Gonna play SHORT-stop?’ ‘Tom Thumb called; he wants his trousers back.’ that sort of thing. It’s enough to make you feel sorry for him until you realise that Tiny Uber-bad look just like all of the three non-caretaker Blackburn managers when we had five in one season – Steve Kean, Michael Appleton and Henning Berg. Maybe there’s a Venkys frozen chicken connection to him as well. Maybe he is a tiny frozen spatchcock re-animated by the Dark Side for nefarious but improbably small purposes. In the final battle, he shall be revealed as pint sized and Chewbacca will step on him. Maybe then someone will notice Chewy and he’ll get a medal and be allowed on golf courses.

Apparently the Storm Trooper that undid Not Keria Knightley’s security bolts is Daniel Craig. Didn’t get that. And also Simon Pegg is somewhere in there as well.

I think I liked that movie. I think I liked that movie a lot. The whole thing is a bit (a lot) of an homage to the first movie, but I am really pleased that George Lucas had nothing to do with it apart from get richer and fatter of its back. I may have weed a bit when Not Keira Knightly jumped in the Millennium Falcon. And when Han and Chewie turned up. And I certainly booed when bloody C3PO turned up, the giant golden cock-blocking robotic git. The Millennium Falcon dogfight in the desert was ace. I was impressed that so much of it was filmed with people and places and not in front of screen savers and cartoons. I kept away from getting too exited before watching this, and I’m so pleased I did. Really and thoroughly enjoyed it Can’t wait for No Keira Knightly to stick Darth Heavy Helmet’s crucifix lightsabre up his brown eye and free the wookies from oppression in episode IX. And then peace will be restored to the galaxy. Until Acme Death Star Inc’s front door bell gets another tinkle.

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