A Business Idea (Yet another scatologically themed post, my god, why doesn’t he just see a therapist)

I was looking at a blog post the other night (details below, don’t panic, I’m a sharer, probably an oversharer, as you’re about to understand. Again) about urine; the sights, the sounds, the smells, and what they signify medically. I believe that healthy urine comes out the consistency of straw and smells slightly of gooseberry jam. Or something like that. As all good medical writing should do, it made me think of my own personal habits and the evidence of my own body – in this case my wee. Due to time constraints and issues with not wanting to, I have substituted an actual and beneficial health kick with a more simple, easier and therefore more desirable programme of vitamin pills and supplements; one of which – a fizzing and spitting vitamin C tablet- makes rather noticeable changes to my urine. It becomes bright yellow. Glaringly, blindingly, toddlers-drawing-of-the-sun yellow. Highlighter pen yellow. And this has become the genesis of a business idea.

In a world where yellow highlighter pen production may or may not be environmentally disastrous, possibly involving the deaths of many innocent children in what might be violent and abusive sweat shops, and people potentially struggling under the crippling financial burden of their necessary yellow highlighter pen repayments, we need a solution. And now, I have one. I am no expert, but I reckon it would be fairly easy to manufacture a pen style casing and liquid delivery system (I’ve made some very encouraging progress with my daughter’s water pen collection, but in an unrelated event, my wife has unfairly revoked my solo-access-to-the-toy-cupboard privileges, and my experiments have been unfortunately and abruptly interrupted) and hey presto, a cheap, renewable solution to one of the gravest environmental, economical, and socio-political problems facing our world today.

Aha, I hear you say (from further and further back), what about the smell issue? Well, you bring the problems and I’ll bring the solutions. A scientifically guessed diet of asparagus should be enough to wipe out the worst of the musty smell, and replace it with the fresh and gratifying aroma of second hand vegetable. It could become a marketing tool; imagine the advert – a busy office man is filling his important working day with some essential highlighting, when an unimpressed secretary pops her head round the door looking all miserable. Then she sniffs the air and becomes suddenly overpowered with lust due to the intoxicating aromas all around her –  “Ahhh, Pisto!” (There’s issues with misogyny I realise, but we’ll let the Mad Men boffins work all that out). There is another advantage to the captivating perfume of our product – people who cannot see can still use it. Your ordinary, environment destroying, slave labour killing, recession causing non-smelling yellow highlighter pen is next to worthless to the blind. A sightless person reading braille would not know what the most salient points in his text would be with normally highlighted words, but using my new system, a quick sniff and they know exactly which bits of their passage to which to pay extra attention (another advertising slogan idea – ‘From My Passage to Yours!’), and which to skip over.

Experiments with colours and levels of pungency should increase the range of this already can’t miss brand. This is your chance to get in on the ground floor of what is guaranteed to be one of the most exciting and game changing products to ever come down the pipe!

I shall expect your eager contributions as soon as you can get them to me.

Love, Stevo